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thoughts: maybe I should do some work today or maybe I should just sit here and screw around on the computer all day like I did on Thursday and Friday. I paid rent today...and learned that I really actually won't have a place to stay after the 9th of August...that leaves me about a week and a half that I need to have a place to stay. I like ginger ale...really like ginger ale I am going to Nova Scotia on Thursday! I should start packing now so that I can just up and go on Thursday...I need to get to O'Hare without getting lost and I need to be there by noon, I think. How long of a commute is it? an hour? Need to call and see if the results of my tests have come in. I have the email of P now. do I email him? what do I say? do I demand information? do I demand anything at all? do I take the position of an agressive revenge, or do I just tell him and let him know that if he has any medical information to tell me, then to do so, or if he has any opinion of whether or not I'm allowed to keep the baby after it's born, then to give it to me. would he want it? would I let him have it? no I got a suntan this weekend and a sunburn. my teeny bikini actually looks better on me than my more conservative one...I think because it doesn't dig into my sidefat. I need to walk more this week so that I look somewhat in better shape for this coming weekend. I hope that it's lobster season. I hope no one who doesn't know or shouldn't know finds out this weekend, forcing me to make some sort of official announcement to everyone regarding my situation. maybe I could borrow maternity clothes from my aunt, she's tall...and would have pants that would fit me... mabye I should order some maternity jeans from the Gap so that I have something fashionable to wear because my waistbands are starting to bother me...but maybe that's just my belly fat and not my belly. I need to replenish my book supply before going to Nova Scotia...I'll be able to also trade the books that I've already finished. things are going well...hopefully they'll continue this way. this weekend was wonderful...easy, lots of sleeping, lots of reading, lots of just doing things, seeing things, and good food. next weekend should be like heaven, but I know it will be an emotional roller coaster. ------Addition--------- I wrote him an email. It wasn't accusatory, as I would have liked. I guess I'm just trying to believe that maybe he really didn't remember it happening, in which case he'd be as much the victim as me. But still he doesn't share in the burden...sucks. I got my test results back. I'm clean. No ickiness in my blood that will never go away...or has to go away. I don't have to worry about that anymore and I can assure my family that they don't have to worry about it anymore either. It's great to know that. It's also really nice to know that I have it done. I know. There is an answer out there. So we'll see. I want for P to answer. I really just want him to take the high road. I know he won't. He'll most likely deny that it happened, somehow. Try to get out of it, in which case I'll know that it was most likely intentional. And I guess that will make me feel worse...less to blame but still worse. Doesn't make sense at all. But still it makes perfect sense when you think of all the causes and the effects and the factors that went in and the possibilities of the feelings and intentions of all the other people...I rationalize far too much, don't I? I should just get over it. If he writes back, he does. If he denies it all, then he denies it all. If he for some reason wants to be a part of my life...seriously doubt that I'll let him or my father would let him set foot into the US. so many possibilities, so many outcomes...now it's just waiting.
looking back - thinking ahead
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