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I realized that I really am not getting enough nutrition for me, or enough exercise, at all. So I'm trying to amend that...of course it doesn't help that I don't feel like doing anything, ever. I usually have enough to eat and get exercise on the weekends, but during the week, it just seems too hard, too much of an effort. Ridiculous actually. Purely ridiculous. My body is craving veggies and fruit, simply because I'm not getting enough of it all. So I read one of my books to try and organize my meals better, do better shopping when I get around to doing that again. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I'm not tired at night so much, but I just can't get myself out of bed in the morning. I just roll over and fall back asleep all the time. And then I don't get in to work until 9:30 or so, because I have to have breakfast and take a shower and get dressed, and today I packed to go to Madison tonight. I have to leave work early for that, as well. We'll see how much I get away with on hours these past two weeks. I've already explained that I put down the hours that I'm supposed to be here and sometimes work more or later than I'm supposed to, so I just report what it is that I do get credit for. UGH. Hate work. But, I'M GOING TO CANADA NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!! So, so, so, so, so excited! Don't exactly know how I'm going to deal with the whole family thing...do I tell them? do I not? do I let them guess? do I just leave it an untouched subject. People will be able to tell that there's something wrong...I'm an emotional mess these days and I'll probably be with my mom the whole time talking and such. I can just see it. It's difficult to think about keeping it from the family, but if I give it up for adoption, there's no point in getting them all excited about a baby that they will never see grow up. And they would get excited, I'd have tons of people asking me all about it and what happened and 'you poor baby's and all that stuff that I cringe when I hear it. So I think that I'm just going to act like nothing's wrong, I've just quit drinking and all. Which will get enough looks in and of itself...even though I will be dying to drink, especially there, and with that group, and the good, canadian beers. it's a pity that I can't drink there. --------------ADDITION-------------- Y'know, I'm really not that strong, I'm pretty weak, pretty worrisome, and really, always very anxious. I don't think that counseling is doing me much good this time, not with this counselor, she doesn't challenge me to deal with things. And I'm not helping her out much. I keep going in like nothing's wrong, or that there were some hard times emotionally but that I've dealt with them and understand them. For the most part, I understand my weaknesses, I understand that I get really lonely, I depend on others for support and validation. It's just me. And a lot of the time, I can act like everything is doing well just so that I can get that validation that I'm doing well and I'm dealing with things well. It's not with everyone. I've started really breaking down that barrier with my sister, heck, I even called her and broke down to her, she knows that I'm having a tough time with all of this. I just don't know why I have this need to put on the mask. I put it on all the time. I just think about what's expected of me, or what would potentially be the best way of dealing with things, and I take on that role...Not really conciously, but I do it, it happens, it's like a default personality. Like when people ask if I'm exercising, my immediate reaction is to reply "yes" because I should be, and I don't want for them to hear that I'm not because I can't motivate myself enough to. If they hear that, then that ruins my whole image of being able to deal with this rationally, and take care of myself. I feel guilty for causing other people to worry about me. That's it. I don't want to cause others to worry because if they worry, then they are then in some sort of distress caused by me, and I don't want that to be. I don't want to be the cause of dilemma (bad choice of words, but I don't know the appropriate one). Yet, at the same time, I feel that I can't keep my condition a secret from friends because then that would hurt them if they found out from someone else and I didn't tell them. I want them to know that they matter enough to me for me to let them know when something is going on in my life, but I don't want for that to cause them to worry over me. I don't really know why I have so much problem with being focused on. Maybe it has something to do with me equating being focused on with calling attention to myself. And calling attention to myself has a bad connotation...one which I had for so long, I am attention-hungry, so now that I know how things work, and have grown up a bit more, I realize that it's a bad thing to be attention-hungry. Must always be the center of attention...means that I must be making up for my own lack of respect or love for myself. So many things that I've thought through and deliberated for so long. I guess that's why I feel that I must always be a good picture, because then I will somehow have some sort of regard from others and at the same time, cause no one else to worry over me....at least in my mind. Wow, this whole thing is challenging the way that I present myself and how I interact with others and feel about that interaction. I should probably also find a counselor who will challenge me to face up to my own problems and not be so lovey-dovey as this one that I have here...I don't really like her, but I've only got one more session with her or two before I go to ND for the semester and can have a university counselor who might be able to challenge the way that I present myself...I can't go for a totally messed up and all over the place image, because I'm not so totaly messed up and all over the place, I'm simply me, I have some parts of me that I can't seem to motivate, but I recognise that...I see it and I am working to try and remedy that...I may not be the best one for it, and I may not be able to figure everything out on my own, but I'm getting there, and trying to make sure to ask for help when I need it. Wow, that's a lot to think about, isn't it? And, who knows, by the time I get back into the swing of things at ND, I may be out of this funk...if I make sure to keep with the swing of things.
looking back - thinking ahead
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